"What does having Bulimia feel like"

Making yourself throw up is nothing glamorous about. The first time you do it you expect to remember as a matter of shame. You think it'll be burned into your memory like your first kiss or the day your parents told you they were getting divorced. You tend to remember all details including date, whether or not it was raining, the pattern of the tile on the floor, the first person you saw after leaving the bathroom etc. you tend you'll remember every mundane detail related to the issue.                                           
How to start a day
It's terrible! When you wake up, first you think is about food. When you're hungry you want to eat a little, but because you starved yourself you're still hungry and you eat too much. While you're eating, you're thinking about vomiting. Then you look yourself in the mirror and you aren't happy. And you go to the bathroom... And you feel relief... it's important to get help early 

But all you'll remember is the taste. One day, you'll wake up and it'll just be a part of you the habit itself will sneak up on you like pneumonia in the dead of winter, festering through every inch of you while you sleep. You won't be able to remember what it feels like to breathe in and out without substantial effort, soon the coughing will be rhythmic and familiar. What does normal feel like? Like this? It must be like this.

You expect it to just be about you. You think you'll manage your pain on your own, and no one else will have to feel the wrath of it. All darkness, all evil, seems within reach but the moment you break the taboo of hurting yourself. You'll have moments where you wonder if there is any limit to what you're capable of the path between the right and wrong becomes a slippery slope. If this, then what else? You transform into a person overcome with emotion and sympathy, you will no longer feel like your old self, instead, it will spill out of you, refusing to be felt.

You expect to cry. You tend to evaporate into nothing, you think you'll just lie down on the bathroom floor and instead, you'll clean off your face, wash your hands, touch up your make up and return to your company. You will be shocked only at the amount of nothingness you feel. No high, no low. Just in and out, in and out.

The pain you felt
Nothing you let in will be yours to keep for long. It will not change your commitment to the cause, the pain you felt before will be replaced by a numbness that may terrify you, but. None of this will surface until you stop. You will think of nothing, nothing, for a year – maybe longer. Once, twice, relapse after relapse you'll finally come up for air. Your throat will be scratched and your back will be sore and your thoughts will be nothing but steam on a mirror, blurring your image behind it.
                            You've refused to keep inside you will invade you now All the things, but you must feel them. You must cry. You must remember. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," you must fight, You must wrap your arms around your own waist at night and think, 

What does normal feel like? Like this? It must be like this. TC mark